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12 Mar 2019

On The Realities of Awakening

On The Realities of Awakening

Fiona Robertson
12 Mar 2019, a topic

Nearly ten years ago, my life fell apart suddenly and catastrophically. I ceased to be able to function in the outside world, was physically ill and was engulfed by feelings, sensations and memories that—up until then—I’d been successfully avoiding or suppressing. Fortunately, I recognized that this was far more than a nervous breakdown. It was the beginning of a long dark night of the soul. Very early on I realised that, over the years, I had become disconnected from my deeper self. My soul was now calling me home and I was willing (if totally ill-prepared) to heed its call.

Around this time, I began to explore modern non-dual teachings. Frankly, these writings were the only way I could make sense of the experiences I was having. Certainly, some of them could be explained via psychology (anxiety and developmental trauma) or via biology and medicine (hormonal changes and an underactive thyroid), but neither could explain the totality of the state I was in. As I read about awakening, the ephemeral and changing nature of the self, the presence of awareness and the nothing inherent in everything, a spark was ignited. It became clear that this was, above all else, a spiritual unfolding.

Naturally, in this state of near-constant anguish, terror and pain, I clutched at any straws that seemed to promise redemption or the end of suffering. I was tantalized by stories of sudden awakening and transformation. I was drawn, as a child is to fairy tales, to accounts of enlightenment. That’s what I wanted. I envied those who already seemed to have it and prayed that my moment of grace would come. I fantasized about how it would be when it happened and despaired at the idea that I may never be one of the lucky ones. I longed to be plucked from obscurity and transported into the spiritual limelight.

Needless to say, these fantasies served only to add another layer of suffering into the mix. It took a while, but slowly I became more trusting of the process and my ability to be in it. I realised that the way out was in. I came to see that this was not about transcending or being transported out of my pain but descending right into the midst of it. And there was a kind of relief in that, in no longer attempting to be or become something I wasn’t.

My ideas about awakening matured too. In fact, I have come to see it as a gradual process of maturing. Maturing enough to be able to face and integrate all the pain and suffering that we were previously unable to countenance. Maturing enough to move beyond our dreams of being saved by another. Maturing enough to see through our stories of deficiency, lack and superiority. Developing the willingness and ability to stop and look, to inquire deeply into all aspects of ourselves and how we perceive the world around us.

As I became more able to commit to the dark night process—and I certainly did my fair share of kicking, screaming and protesting along the way—I discovered that grace comes in through the cracks, often silently and at the most unexpected moments. Significant shifts or awakening experiences have occurred at a variety of times and locations, none of which could have been predicted (in the local supermarket and while washing up, to name but two). Again, what matters is our willingness to be with whatever is here, whatever its nature. We do what we can do and let grace take care of itself. We begin to trust the awakening process as it unfolds, however it looks and feels in each moment.

I used to believe that the authors of the spiritual books I read had something that I didn’t. Now I know that isn’t the case. They are either bullshitting, or they are simply reporting from the front line of their experience. They are committed to inquiring into every facet of their being. They know that what really counts is the willingness to be present with whatever is here, however sublime, ordinary or painful. It is this movement inwards, this turning towards our experience as it unfolds in each moment, that matters most. For this is where awakening is discovered; right here, now and in this.